No stranger to innovation – FunnyTel was Australia’s first ISP to introduce the random number billing that has since proved so popular with Telstra management – the FAT plans include Australia’s first internet unit pricing scheme.

‘We read about the Government’s idea for unit pricing with groceries,’ says FunnyTel spokesman Chad Blake.  ‘And we thought “This makes sense.”  Why should customers pay for an 80 gigs download allowance and not know exactly how many P2P movies they’ll get for their dough ?’

‘We’re actually thinking of applying to the ACCC for an award for this,’ said Blake.  ‘Our 2 New Hollywood Releases a Night’ plan is a revolution in truth-in-advertising.  ‘And that’s A-FACT !’ says Blake with a cheeky wink.

We asked Chad if he thought that other market leaders like iiNet would adopt the system. 
 
iiNet to be next ?

‘Not likely,’ he said.  ‘Pretty good operators at iiNet but they’ve been completely unsuccessful in attracting any customers interested in peer-to-peer movie downloads.  Haven’t you been following the court case ?

‘We can’t figure out where they’ve gone wrong, actually.  They seem to be offering all the right plans.  But somehow, they’ve only managed to sign up customers who need fifty gigs to spend between midnight and dawn for sharing home movies with the rellies in England. 

‘Must be very frustrating for them.  All the rest of us have to do is mention a big-gigs off-peak plan and we’re chockers with hungry pirates.  Poor bloody iiNet get stuck with a mob of Methodist parsons peer-to-peering their sermons around the world all night.  There’s no justice.’

FAT plans the NBT

‘Next Big Thing for sure.  Don’t want to give too much away, but you’re gonna love the Harry Potter Lovers’ Special and our new Parrot & Peg Leg package.’

We asked Blake whether marketing thought the ‘FAT’ tag would help customers get the message that the plans were ideal for super-sized downloading.  ‘Hadn’t thought of that,’ he said.  ‘Actually, it stands for Film And Television.’

In a brilliant moment, Chad was being shouted at by FunnyTel CEO Steve that the company didn’t have to employ him, and every day at his desk was a favour.  Steve’s a motivational speaker in his spare time.

But then Chad realised … Steve doesn’t need me, and the customers don’t need us !  Everything they buy is optional, and options don’t need to be included in the total product price, do they ???  So FunnyTel’s famous ‘Zero Heroes’ campaign was born and ACCC was smashed again by Australia’s fastest thinking telco.

‘And it’s interesting to note’, says Chad, ‘that we didn’t need to waste a single dollar on external advice.  The ‘$Nuffin to pay’ campaign is proof you don’t need Bourke Street tossers to create a totally legal campaign.’

Some of CurryCall’s accounting systems were working in rupees and the rest in US bucks, and when they consolidated the conversion module swapped each of ‘em to the other.

It was a train wreck.  You gotta laugh.

Monday

Still down at Portsea for the long weekend.  Ran into that posh guy with the dorky English accent that used to do regulatory at Netspace.  Had some good advice, though.  He says:  ‘Remember, it isn’t binge drinking unless you stop.’  I can’t say it like he does though, toff.

Tuesday

It gets worse.  Some lizard brain sports reporter at the Melton local paper has called our netball team the Funnytel Shitsters.  ‘It isn’t Shitsters.  It’s Skystars,’ I call and say.  ‘Well it says Shitsters on their headbands,’ says the peanut.  ‘That’s not Shitsters, it’s Shysters,’ I say.  ‘We need a retraction.’

So now they’re printed a correction that Funnytel’s Shitsters are really Shysters under the frigging headline ‘We may be dodgy but we’re not crap’ say Funnytel netballers.

Still, it’s not as bad as November when I didn’t pick up that the radio scripts spelled it ‘nakked DSL’.  CEO Steve really lost it after Larry phoned larfing his head off about ‘Funnytel’s new knackered plans’.

Gotta turn on spellcheck.

Tuesday

Dropped in on the network admins meeting and they’re sweating on some report that 92% of net traffic is pirate.  Far as they can tell, we’re at 85% and Steve wants to know why we’re so far under the industry average.

Rick showed why he’s Cisco-certified though.  Brilliant idea of identifying the top 100 legal P2P users and aggressively shaping them.  Oughta minimise the proportion of legit stuff in no time.  Those do-gooders are really gonna get knackered DSL.

Wednesday

Farkin trade practices advertising compliance training session, courtesy of those dim ACCC orders.  Steve is making me and Kellie the receptionist do it, since two staff have to.  He says it’s better for us to go cos it shields the sales and marketing team from it, which I agree makes sense.  Those guys have serious marketing stuff to do.

Today the trainer rabbited on about what they call the main message in adverts.  I said ‘Like Dodo’s main message is that you could get lucky with a bikini babe’ ?  Hahahaha.

Thursday

Completed contract review of new Telstra CRA.  Actually, Kellie from reception did most of it, cos I figure we should get value from this legal stuff she’s had to sit through.

I told her not to make any comments or change anything since every page is headed ‘Draft for discussion purposes only’ which is Telstra-speak for ‘Set in concrete not negotiable won’t even talk about it’.  But now I can put it on my CV that I’ve done a Telstra CRA   No probs.

Friday

CurryCall has offered Steve a half interest in their new idea of a web employment service for Indians in Oz.  Gonna call it sikh.com.au.  Steve says are we gonna get pinged for idea theft.  Kellie googled sikh idea theft and reckons there’s nothing about it, so I gave Steve the all clear.  Simply dunno why people waste good money on lawyers now there’s google.

Cheers.

Chad Blake - Manager (Legal Affairs & Hospitality) at Funnytel

Welcome to my new weekly post on life at Funnytel.  It’s great to be part of the CSP Central team, even if the other folks here are a bit OTT when it comes to legalities.

If you don’t know much about Funnytel, check out the cool intro piece the guys did.

I’ve already had some reader questions about Funnytel, which is great.  Tang from Singapore asks why Funnytel surrendered its carrier licence this week.

Funny story, that.

Monday

Never like Mondays.  Same thing every week – voicemail from CEO Steve moaning about the sponsorship headbands for his wife’s frizzing netball team on Saturday.

So I stuffed up some proof reading.  So they’re really called the Funnytel Skystars and not the Funnytel Shysters.  Big deal.  If Steve didn’t insist that we only buy from outfits that take BarterCard we could afford a print house that didn’t make us order a minimum five years of stock.

Tuesday

Do Not Call Register people called again, chasing up the list wash account.  Steve reckons if we hold out long enough they’ll back down and take BarterCard.  I keep reminding him how (not) successful that tactic was with the ACCC fines, but he still reckons we’ll get there.

Meantime they won’t wash any lists for us so we’ve got the back up plan working.  Sandeep has added a new opening line to every sales script ‘Good morning, sir.  I hope you are having a good day.  I seem to have dialled a mistaken number and I have a very good mobile phone plan I am sure you will want to hear about.’

Complete defence to Do Not Call moans, pretty smooth, eh ?  Called by mistake.  Love it.

Wednesday

ACCC called again, asking about the ‘We built our own network’ billboard.  Some smartie wants to know where our network is.  Told ‘em it’s right beside Crazy John’s.  Seemed to satisfy her.  Said something about a 155 letter.  Suppose it’s an award or something.

Thursday

Carrier licence cancellation confirmed by ACMA, which was great because our USO contribution cheque is due to bounce tomorrow. 

Steve reckons he doesn’t need carrier powers now that the new tennis court and drainage system is finished at his place.  No better way to get trenching done across a neighbour’s lawn than turn up with a back hoe and a carrier licence. 

Dumbsters next door couldn’t tell agri-pipe from fibre conduit and never asked why four fibre runs would be heading from the side of a court anyway.  Steve reckons his court drains perfectly and trenches through the neighbour’s garden won’t look too bad in a year or two.

Great fun, being a carrier.

Friday

Look out for our promo blitz at the one dayer in Sydney today.  We copied the idea from an Optus SMS competition a couple of years ago.  Steve was brilliant cos when I said we should get a raffle permit he’d saved the number that Optus used.  Same promo, same permit number.  It’s what lawyers call a precedent.

Off to Portsea for the weekend and back to the usual ‘Why are we handing out those bloody Funnytel Shysters headbands it’s an embarrassment’ message on Monday.

Cheers.

Each Friday, Chad will post his diary notes of the week at Funnytel in his imaginatively titled column ‘This week at Funnytel’.

If you don’t know Funnytel, you will soon.  This company is set to break records.  We asked Chad a few key questions about the business …

Interview with Funnytel’s Chad Blake

CSP Central:  Welcome, Chad.  Good to have you on the team.

CB:  Beaut to be here. 

CSP Central:  How would you describe Funnytel’s value proposition ?  What makes the company so different ?

CB:  Fair to say we spend nothing on legals, regulation or compliance and pass the savings on to customers.  I think they appreciate that.

Funnytel's Chad Blake in a playful mood

CSP Central:  Nice.  But don’t you find the TIO bills eat into that strategy ?

CB:  Nah, we just bundle those up each month and send ‘em to Dodo.  The more, the merrier for them.  Never notice a few extra stings.

CSP Central:  Nice. 

CB:  Also thank Dodo for our T&Cs.  Great stuff, copy & paste.

CSP Central:  Umm, you know that CSP Central has found a couple of issues with Dodo’s contract ?  It isn’t perfect.

CB:  No worries.  We got Optus too.  Stuck ‘em together to make sure everything was covered.  Threw in Internode, as well.

CSP Central:  Good thinking.  But you’re not worried about copyright ?

CB:  We have a saying back at Funnytel:  ‘If it doesn’t worry iiNet, it doesn’t worry us.’

CSP Central:  Any views on the current iiNet copyright case ?  Should iiNet be worried about that ?

CB:  No way.  It’s not due in court again for a coupla weeks.  Plenty of time.  We reckon the industry as whole needs to worry about the copyright thing, though.

CSP Central:  How so ?

CB:  Too much competition for the pirate dollar.  Until we can get a decent price fixing cartel going for extreme plans, it’s gonna be tough making a buck.

CSP Central:  Isn’t the ACCC getting potent new anti-cartel powers ?

CB:  That’s why we need to get it up and running soon.  Before they get going.

CSP Central:  What makes you think the law will work that way ?  I mean, not apply to existing cartels ?

CB:  Read it on Whirlpool.

CSP Central:  Really ?

CB:  Posted it on Whirlpool, too.  Different account.  But when I logged in again and re-read it, it made sense.  Old cartel / new law.  No connection possible.  Sweet.

CSP Central:  Do you actually have a law degree ?

CB:  Only on Whirlpool

CSP Central:  Chad, you mentioned high volume ‘extreme’ plans a moment ago.  You do know that Internode has trademarked ‘extreme’ ? 

CB:  Sure.  Of course, we don’t actually call them ‘extreme’ at Funnytel.  Not that dense.  Don’t want a letter from Hackett’s lawyers.

CSP Central:  They worry you ?

CB:  Not at all.  Just don’t want to help feed lawyers.

CSP Central:  So what does Funnytel call its high volume plans ?

CB:  Call ‘em our ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Internode’ plans. 

CSP Central:  Nice.  Well, Chad, it’s been great talking and I’m sure our readers look forward to your weekly diary on CSP Central.  Any final thoughts before we sign off ?

CB:  Yeah, how about a gag.  What are the differences between Sol Trujillo and the Telstra Board ?

CSP Central:  Tell me, Chad … What are the differences between Sol Trujillo and the Telstra Board ?

CB:  Growing by the day, I’d say.

CSP Central:  Thanks, Chad.

CB:  Pleasure.